Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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