Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
