then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Randomize
