Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
