Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
