i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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