I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
