I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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