Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
