Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
