The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
