Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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