Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just google imaged poop.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
