apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
