I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
