how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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