When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
