ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
