K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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