im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
