Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
