we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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