Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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