don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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