Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
