Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Randomize
