this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
