is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
