Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
