So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
