all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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