The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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