Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
