Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
