i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i dont even know how to be here
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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