Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
