I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
