Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
