sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
