i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
