WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize