My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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