Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
