I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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