if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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