Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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