The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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