My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
