Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I think I just sharted jello shots
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