I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
BRING THE BAGELS
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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