Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize