shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
