I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
