im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think my mom watched the whole time
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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