i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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