you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Randomize
