seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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