I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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