low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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