Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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