i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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