Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
