Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
