I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
