Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
